Satire Journal Entry

The 2019 Super Bowl was played last Sunday, concluding the NFL season and being called the most “Unconventional roster of players to have ever been in a Super Bowl”. It was a showdown between two polar opposite Quarterbacks, Jimmy “Gorgeous” Garoppolo, who was voted as the sexiest man in all of professional sports, lead his team against the Kansas City Chiefs and Patrick Mahomes, whose only awards were “most likely to actually be Kermit the frog”, and “worst sense of sunglass fashion” by the national superlative sports administration. Defenders from both teams were hesitant to make the “big hit” on either quarterback throughout the game. The defenders for the 49ers didn’t really want to get close to Patrick Mahomes, saying that every time they rushed the QB, Mahomes would make “disgusting sexual comments about Miss Piggy ”, making the defenders just really uncomfortable and an awkward encounter. The defenders from the Chiefs, however, had different motives as to why not to hit Jimmy G. After safety Tyrann Mathieu was seen blatantly giving up on a potential sack on Garoppolo, post game reporters asked him why he didn’t deliver the hit, Mathieu replied, “The guys in this locker room and I have a theory that Jimmy has some handsome squidward affects you know? We think the more we hit the dude, the better looking he will get. He’s already gained the attention of all of our wives and girlfriends and the last thing we want to do is add fuel to that fire.”. Other notable players came in the form of the running backs of each team, Damien Williams of the Chiefs, and Raheem Mostert of the 49ers. Both were undrafted to start their careers and have had relatively tough careers in terms of finding a team until just recently. Because of this, the defense of both teams reportedly didn’t put much time into scheming against the run. Defensive coordinator for the Chiefs Stephen Spagnuolo was quoted before the big game saying that he wasn’t worried about the performance of Mostert because his game is “Dog shit”. All things considered, it has been concluded by all of football that the players in this super bowl were, “totally whack”.